The first mistake that people make is thinking that other people are controlling them. Correcting this thinking error is the first key to anger management. People get angry because they don’t like to be controlled. They didn’t like being controlled when they were children and they don’t like it as adults. Doctor Ed M. Smith, the founder of Theophostic ministry (www.theophostic.com) , uses the term “metamorphic lie” to describe a belief which was true at one time (in childhood), but is no longer true in our adult lives. The belief that anyone is controlling you in your adult life is a metamorphic lie. Now, it is true that someone might be trying to control you, or it might be that they have personal motives of which you are not aware. Whether or not someone is really trying to control you is irrelevant.  The truth is that unless you are a child or you are under arrest or imprisoned, no one is controlling you!

            You are free to choose to do whatever you like. All of our decisions do have consequences, so we should consider them carefully and prayerfully. The point is that you always have choices and it is a thinking error to believe that anyone is controlling you. When you change your perceptions and beliefs and realize you are always free to say “yes” or “no,”  you will free yourself from a lot of anger and resentment. The second most powerful force in the universe is your free will. God is the most powerful force, and he has given us our free will. Adults are free to  make their own choices.

            A second key point about anger management is that you do not have the right to control anyone else. Parents and police officers do have that right and responsibility, but those are exceptions to the rule. Not even God denies us our free will, and we should not impose or inflict our will on others. Out of love we can and should seek to influence each other if they will permit us. We can share information with them. We can communicate how their actions may impact us. We can also pray for others. But we can’t really control each other.

            It is a thinking error to believe you have the right to control another person. If you have mistakenly believed that you were entitled to that right, then  you were probably angry and upset when someone refused to do what you wanted. You were set up to be angry by the false belief that you should make people do what you wanted. You must replace that false belief with the truth, which is that other people have a right to tell us “yes” or “no.”  The need that people have to correct thinking errors about controlling others and being controlled are two of the basic tenants of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory, which were developed by the psychiatrist, Dr. William Glasser.

            Unfortunately, many couples have based their relationships on mutual control. There are some areas in which one person lets the other be in control, but then there are areas in which both battle for control.  Countries also often have relationships which are based on power and control. In the 1960s, The United States and Russia were said to have a “balance of power.”  Each could destroy the other with nuclear weapons. The government said that we had peace because of mutual assured destruction, which was abbreviated M.A.D. But many people believed it was truly madness.  

            When couples fight, the battles sometimes escalate. People hurt each other with words and might even hit each other. Sometimes the words are more painful than the slaps and bruises. They begin to wonder if there might be another way to have a relationship. This leads us to the third key to anger management. You must replace mutual control with actions that create mutual love and respect. Mutual submission and servant leadership must replace power and control as the basis of our relationships.

            Jesus told us to have a new kind of relationship with each other.  In John 13:34-35, He said “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Christ’s love was manifested in different ways. He loved us as friends, and He loved us as a servant with sacrificial love.  In Mark 9:35, Jesus said “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”  He was a servant when he washed the disciples feet, and He sacrificed His earthly life to pay for our sins on the cross. If you serve your spouse and sacrifice yourself for him or her, then when he or she is touched by that love, your spouse will seek to serve and sacrifice for you.  If you sacrificially seek the welfare of your spouse, it would be foolish if that person did not to seek your best interests as well. As you begin to relate to each other out of love based on friendship, sacrifice and service, with each seeking the best interests of the other, a new relationship can be born.

            There are several key Bible verses which tell us to submit to each other. In Eph 5:21-30, we are told to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body.

            Jesus told us that He was in submission to the Father,  and said "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does (John 5:9).  The Holy Spirit was also in submission, and Jesus said  “when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you”  (John 16:13-15). The Father loved us with sacrificial love, and we are told that “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16). The interdependence and submission within the holy Trinity are often the topic of sermons by Donald Leavell at the Corpus Christi Christian Fellowship in Corpus Christi, Texas.

            Have mutual submission and servant leadership ever been demonstrated in practice? Consider the relationship between the president and congress. Each have veto power, and only laws which both agree to become law. The president and congress each submit to each other’s veto power. The laws they pass are also submitted to the authority of the supreme court. Most people regard the president and members of congress as servants of the people who elected them. Servant leadership and mutual submission are founded on Christ’s teaching and exemplified in the organization of our own government. These are principles and practices which will also help us create healthy, loving marriage and family relationships. The phrase “servant leadership” is often used in articles and presentations by Judge Oscar G. Gabaldon Jr. , who presides in El Paso, Texas.

            The Bible is a book about relationships. God is relational. The Father is in relationship with the Son and the Son is in relationship with the Holy Spirit. There are many discussions about how to have healthy relationships in the Bible. One of these is 1 Thes 5: 11- 18. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

            I can share a couple of examples of mutual submission from my own marriage. A couple of years ago I saw an ad for a 30 foot Catalina sailboat at a very reasonable price.  The price was low because it needed a lot of repairs. The diesel engine wasn’t running. The boat was a fixer-upper. My wife and I had been down this road once before. We had bought a derelict 28 foot Ranger Sailboat in Oklahoma and had it transported to Corpus Christi. Most of our time and money went into restoring that boat for about 6 months. We enjoyed sailing it for about 5 years before selling it. I was ready to take the plunge again. I was ready to buy the Catalina. The seller even offered a price that was less than what he had advertised. I had a friend look at the diesel and he was certain that it could be repaired. I was ready to buy it.

            There was only one problem. My wife was unwilling to agree to the venture.  We had credit card debt and the boat would have meant more debt. I still wanted to “invest” in the boat. We had different preferences, and weren’t able to agree with each other. She had to leave town to help one of our adult children in Houston, and the issue was hanging. Her cell phone wasn’t working in Houston and we could only communicate by email. Every day I wrote to her to explain why I thought it would be a good investment. After a week of persisting and asking for her agreement, she did say “yes.” I called the owner of the Catalina, but he let me know another buyer had already gotten the boat.

            I believe this is a good example of mutual submission in action. I valued her agreement more than I valued the ownership of the 30 foot Catalina. I call this “Relationship Centered Therapy.”  It consists of choosing to value the relationship more that any issue, like buying a sailboat.

            Another example was when we decided to find new living room furniture. We went to several furniture stores one weekend, but could never agree on what to get. So, we went to more stores the next weekend. There were some couches and love seats that I liked and some that she liked, but we never liked the same ones. There were some weekends that we couldn’t go shopping, and the process of furniture shopping lasted three grueling, frustrating months. We did finally agree on our living room furniture, but we each had to submit to one another and sacrifice many weekends to accomplish that agreement.

            I hope and pray that this article will help you to avoid the types of thinking that often produce anger. Instead of basing our relationships on mistaken perceptions of power and control, we need to build healthy relationships which are based  on love, submission and servant leadership. I pray that you will find ways to apply these things in your relationships.

            Anger management can be worked on during individual counseling sessions at my office in Corpus Christi, or we can connect by phone or through the Skype internet service. You are free to schedule as many sessions as you like, but if you need a certificate for court, the anger management certificates are issued at three levels. The Basic Anger Management certificate requires the completion of 8 hours (45 minutes is one therapy hour).  The certificate for Anger Management with Battery Intervention & Prevention requires the completion of 12 hours. The Anger Management Mastery Certificate requires 24 hours of therapy. It is possible to schedule several hours in a single day or week to accelerate the process.

(Note that all verses are from the New International Version of the Bible).