Marriage Communication by Richard L. Ward |
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Thinking about marriage? Now is the time to learn these good skills. For more
information about our programs, see links at the bottom of this article.
In the ideal relationship, each person asks for what is desired from the other person. Asking always
gives the other person permission to say “No.” However, both people should strive to say “Yes” to
each other as often as possible. In a healthy relationship, there should be more “Yes” answers than
“No” answers. Each person should seek to please the other person by granting their wishes. Each
person should show appreciation when his or her wishes are granted.
Many people never ask for what they want. Some will say “I shouldn't have to ask. He or she should
know without being asked.” Women are often very intuitive and can anticipate their children’s needs
before being asked. This may be a special gift the Lord has given women. A woman with this gift
might assume that her husband has the same gift and that he should know her needs without being
told. However, asking is necessary.
There are many examples of the importance of asking in the Bible. When blind Bartimaeus called out
to Jesus for mercy, the Lord said “What do you want me to do for you?” The man asked to receive his
sight, and Jesus granted his request and said his faith had made him well (Mark 10: 51,52). Since the
Lord had heard the man crying out to him in the crowd and had called him to approach, he assuredly
knew the man was blind. Even so, it was necessary for the man to ask for what he wanted and to be
specific about his request.
If a wife told her husband that he never takes her out, he would probably feel attacked and criticized.
But, if she said that she would like to go out this Saturday, that would be a specific, positive request. A
husband’s accusation that the house is never clean would be a criticism. But if he said he would like
to enjoy relaxing in a clean living room on Sunday afternoon, that would be a specific, positive request.
By definition, a request is not a demand. A request does give the other person permission to say “no”
or “not now.” When the Israelites demanded meat in the wilderness, God gave it to them but their
demand made Him angry and He also sent a plague (Numbers 11: 31-34).
Not only do requests have to be specific, but they often have to be repeated. Persistence in asking is
illustrated in two of the parables Jesus taught. One was about a woman who persisted in asking a
judge for justice (Luke 18: 2-5). Another was about a man who was given bread to feed his guests
because of his persistence (Luke 11: 5-8). Surely, if these parables say we must be persistent in
making our requests to the Lord, we must also be persistent with one another.
The importance of showing appreciation is illustrated in the healing of 10 lepers. Only one of the ten
showed appreciation and he received more than the others (Luke 17: 11-19).
So, in summary, the five principles are: we must ask and be specific and positive about our
requests, we must make requests and not demands, we must persist in asking, and we must
always express appreciation when requests are granted.
“You want something but don’t get it. ---You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not
ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, ---(James 4: 1-3,
NIV). The reason we don’t get what we want from each other is also the same. We don’t ask, and if we
do, we don’t express the right motives.
When we ask without sharing our motives, the request often sounds like an order or a demand. If you
say “Get me a drink” it is hard to know if it is a request or a demand. But if you explain your motives,
then the intention behind the statement becomes clear. You might explain that you are thirsty from
mowing the lawn and don’t want to track grass into the kitchen. Then, surely, the other person would
want to get you a drink. Without an explanation of your motive, the other person might think something
negative, like “You are always trying to control me,” or “You think I’m being lazy because I am watching
TV.”
A psychology experiment tested the importance of giving others a reason for a request. There was
always a long line of students waiting to use the copier in the library. The experimenter would ask to
go ahead of the other students. He found that without an explanation, he was rarely given permission.
But when there was a reason for the request, he often got to go ahead.
When we share our motives with another person, it deepens our intimacy with that person. It opens
us up and makes us vulnerable. It allows the other person to know our true heart. Our needs and
wants and dreams are revealed. Our pain and sadness are also exposed. We trust that the other
person will respond with love and compassion. “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a
stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?” (Matt 7:9,10).
If I explain to my wife that I want to go sailing or windsurfing on the weekend, it will help to share my
needs and feelings. If I explain that being on the water has been something I have enjoyed since I was
a little boy, she will understand how deeply I feel about being on the water. If I tell her it has been a
stressful week at work and that sailing and windsurfing both focus my attention on the activity and free
me of thoughts about work, she will understand and respect my need. She might have needs for
companionship or conversation that she can share with me.
Marriage partners should always respect each other’s needs and try to meet many of each other’s
needs. A wife might not be athletic and might not meet a husband’s need for recreational
companionship, so he might have to find other men to go sailing. A husband might not enjoy quilting
or scrap-booking, so the wife might find other friends to share in those things. However, husbands and
wives are told to meet all (as in 100%) of each other’s sexual needs. “Do not deprive one another
except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come together
again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Cor 7:5, NKJ).
Communicating and expressing needs will naturally take the form of “I statements.” “I statements”
are simply sentences which start with the word “I” and do not contain the word “You.” They are an
excellent form of communication. They share feelings and deepen intimacy.
“You” statements, on the other hand, are often the worst form of communication. They are often
judgmental, and the Bible warns us not to judge one another. "Judge not , and you shall not be
judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned.” (Luke 6: 37,NKJ).
Here are some examples that contrast the two different ways of communicating. Suppose that a
mother has gotten a note from the school about a conduct problem. She might be angry and tell her
husband, “You need to have a talk with your son about this. If you spent more time with him he
wouldn’t be so disrespectful. You spend your weekends playing golf and watching football and never
spend time with your family.” This barrage of “you statements “ will probably make her husband
defensive and provoke him to think of critical “you statements” to make back at her.
Instead of this approach, the wife might first get in touch with her feelings and talk about how frustrated
or angry or afraid she feels. She might say, “I am really scared that our son is developing a pattern of
being disrespectful. I am afraid that he will keep getting into deeper trouble like my brother did when
we were growing up. I have already tried talking to our son about this problem several times and I don’
t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I need help with this.”
Perhaps a husband is playing his electric guitar and his wife uses “you statements.” She might say,
“You are so insensitive. You are playing so loud that even the dog is barking. You are as insensitive
as Bruce Willis in that movie about the image consultant.” Instead of attacking him with “you
statements,” she might have said, “Sweetheart, I am trying to get packed for my trip, and it’s hard for
me to concentrate when you are practicing. It’s so loud I am getting a headache. I would appreciate it
if you would take it to the den and please turn it down.”
Here is another vignette. A husband might criticize his wife’s cooking, “You never fix the lasagna the
way my mother showed you. You spend so much time talking on the phone to your sister that you
never pay attention to what you are doing in the kitchen.” His wife would probably respond with equally
negative “you statements,” like, “You never talk to your sister, do you? Is that because she is never
sober? If I fixed the lasagna the way you mother showed me you would be as overweight as she is!
You are always putting me down. You never appreciate my cooking.” Can you see where this
argument is heading?
Once again, “I statements” could enable them to communicate with empathy and compassion. The
husband might get in touch with his deeper feelings. He might say, “I remember that every Sunday
after church we would have mom’s special lasagna when I was a child. I really miss the way she
seasoned her lasagna. I would like you to fix it that way for me this Sunday. I would really feel good if
you did that. I remember that my sister and I used to argue about which of us could eat the most
lasagna when we were kids. I think I am a little jealous that you get to talk to your sister so much. I
wish my sister wasn’t so messed up with her drinking.” Then his wife would probably promise to fix his
favorite childhood dish and offer to call his mother to get the list of seasonings. She would probably
acknowledge his feelings about his sister with compassion.
Our deeper feelings and motives are revealed when we choose to make “I statements.” When a
spouse explains his or her motives the other person can respond with compassion and love. If a wife
tells her husband that something is hurting her or scaring her or making her feel sad, he will have
compassion if he loves her and he will do what he can to relieve her distress. If she tells him things
that make her feel safe and happy, he will want to do those things to please her. Then she will want to
reciprocate out of love for him. For more information on 'I' statements, see the FYI Article.
To learn more about communication and other skills in marriage, enroll in one of our marriage
relationship enrichment classes.
