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“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife
see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33. These two acts of love and respect,
when used consistently with kindness make effective tools to strengthen and/or rebuild a
distressed marriage. It tells us something of the different natures of the male and the female
that God put the emphasis on love for husbands and respect for wives. Ask a man and he will
tell you to be respected is love. Ask a woman and she will tell you to be treated with kindly
Husbands, This is what the Bible says about Love:
“Charity (unconditional love) suffereth long (patiently, over long periods of time), and is
kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself (does not boast), is not puffed up.
Doth not behave itself unseemly (is not conceited), seeketh not her own (does not insist on
his/her own way), is not easily provoked (is not touchy, irritable or resentful), thinketh not
evil (does not assume it was his/her spouse’s fault); rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth
in the truth; beareth all things (pays no attention to a suffered wrong), believeth all things,
hopeth all things, endureth all things.” 1 Cor 13:4-7
Note: The object of your love is not required to deserve it; she does not have to earn it. We
do not deserve God’s love, and yet He gives it to us in His great mercy. Marital love is
unconditional.
Wives, This is what the Bible says about Respect:
“And God heard their groaning (listens well, especially to complaints), and God
remembered his covenant (the wedding vows are a covenant agreement, not dependent on
the other party to be fulfilled) with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob, and God looked
upon (one person sees, understands, and acknowledges the other) the children of Israel,
and God had respect unto them.” Exodus 2:24-25
Note: Respect consists of these four things: listening, remembering our covenant relationship,
looking to understand, and acknowledging the concerns of your spouse. The object of your
respect is not required to deserve it; he does not have to earn it. The Israelites did not
deserve God’s respect, and yet He gave it to them in His great mercy. Marital respect is
unconditional.
Love and Respect are not feelings, they are behavior choices. You cannot lose them or find
them. You must choose to participate in them or not. When you choose to love and respect,
your thoughts will begin to line up with your actions and this will cause your feelings to change,
too.
Marriage is not a “50%-50%” agreement. Each must give 100%. Just as Jesus took the
towel and washed his disciples’ feet, so are we to serve our spouse, putting his/her desires
above our own. This self-sacrifice pleases God because it results in dying to self and living for
Christ in your marriage.
Pray for your relationship with your spouse: Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will perfect that which
concerneth me; thy mercy, O Lord, endureth forever: forsake not the works of thine
own hands”. You and your spouse are the work of God's hands. Ask God to show you
how he views your spouse - it may surprise you!
Be very careful what you say about your spouse. In Isaiah 57:19, God says, “I create the
fruit of the lips.” If God is going to create or allow to happen what we say, then we will
benefit most by saying those things which build us up and encourage the best characteristics in
each individual.
Attending church together is not enough to protect your marriage from the attacks that will
come against it. Research shows that in order to prevent separation and divorce in Christian
families, the couple must receive communion together (this involves repentance), read the
Word of God together (not just spiritual books), and pray together (any prayer you make
together is very powerful. Don’t worry about whether it is “spiritual enough”, only that it
comes from your hearts.)
Marriage starts out in joy, but the level of satisfaction a couple experience changes over the
years due to the needs of the family and the couple’s natural differences. Making our
differences and personal needs more important than the relationship in marriage can destroy
that bond of unity. It is important to be aware of how the enemy functions. When you think:
“It’s not my fault”, “Why doesn’t he/she understand me”, “He /she doesn’t really care about
what I need/want”, “ I deserve more than this” those are the voices of the enemy. Remember
that the Holy Spirit promotes unity. (See Psalm 133) Unity is necessary for blessing. What
should our attitude be when these problems occur? James 1:2-4 tells us; "My brethren,
count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations (the temptation to criticize,
complain, or take action against our spouse); knowing this, that the trying of your faith
worketh patience, But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and
entire, wanting nothing.”
Find a slightly older and more experienced couple who are happy and successful in their
relationship and spend time with them. This is the best way to learn how the give and take of
marriage really works. Acorn Christian Counseling is ready to help you save your marriage.
We offer individual counseling to heal each partner and couples counseling to improve
relationship dynamics. We also offer classes in relationship skills.
Love and Respect