FYI Statements

FYI statements help people communicate clearly and safely.

1.   The first part is the Focus statement. The Focus statement pinpoints the
situation or event you want to discuss. Focus statements are specific, and people
can usually discuss specific times and events. In contrast, general statements, like
“you always do this,” or you never do that,” are rarely effective. Here are some
examples of good Focus statements:

“When we were dancing Friday night.”

“When we were at your parent’s house Thursday.”

“When I was in the kitchen and asked for help.”

2.   The second part is the “Y” (you) statement. This part describes what the
other person said or did. The “you” part must be objective and descriptive. It does
not include any assumptions about why the other person did or said whatever was
done or said. That would be making assumptions about the motives and intentions
of the other person. Here are some examples of F and Y statements together:

“When we were dancing Friday night and you stepped on my foot.”

“When we were at your parent’s house Thursday and you told your mother I burned
the pancakes.”

“When I was in the kitchen and asked for help and you told me you were busy
watching the ball game.”

3.   The third part of FYI is the “I” statement. The “I” statement simply begins
with the words “I felt…..” Whenever you describe your feelings to someone else,
you are making a powerful statement.  No one else knows or can dispute your
feelings. When you share your feelings, you are creating emotional intimacy. The
word intimacy suggests the phrase “into me see.” If you tell someone who cares
about you that something causes you some form of distress, that should motivate
the other person to reconsider his or her actions. Here are some examples of  
complete “FYI” statements:

“When we were dancing Friday night and you stepped on my foot, it hurt really bad
and I had a bruise the next day.”

“When we were at your parent’s house Thursday and you told your mother I burned
the pancakes, I felt really embarrassed. I felt angry and felt humiliated in front of
your family.”

“When I was in the kitchen and asked for help and you told me you were busy
watching the ball game, I felt overwhelmed. Cooking and feeding the baby were
more than I could handle and I felt angry and resentful.”

There are many advantages to communicating with FYI statements. One is that you
are focusing on communicating your own feelings. Since you are not criticizing,
judging or attacking the other person, that person is more likely to be able to
receive the communication without being defensive. The whole process creates
what counselors call a state of “cognitive dissonance.” If a person says that he or
she loves and cares about you, and you explain how something has caused you to
feel hurt, then there are dissonance and inconsistency between the thoughts “I love
you” and “I hurt you.” The dissonance will  motivate your partner to change behavior
so that his or her words and actions will be in agreement. By simply and clearly
providing information about how your partner made you feel, you can trust that the
information will cause change in your partner, motivated by his or her love and
compassion for you.  For more information, see our article about Marriage
Communication.